I Love My Kids, So Why Do I Miss My Old Life? The Identity Shift of Motherhood
You love your kids.
Let's just establish that right away.
Because somehow, anytime a mom admits that she misses something about her life before children, she feels like she has to immediately follow it with:
"But obviously I love my kids."
We know.
You can love your children more than you knew it was possible to love another human being and still miss the person you were before you became responsible for keeping tiny humans alive.
You can be grateful to be a mother and miss having freedom.
You can desperately want your baby and still miss your career.
You can love family movie night and miss spontaneously going out to dinner.
You can adore the life you built and occasionally wonder:
Where did I go?
These things can all exist together.
And none of them make you a bad mom.
Becoming a Mother Changes More Than Your Schedule
We spend a lot of time preparing people for the practical changes that come with having a baby.
Sleep.
Feeding.
Diapers.
Childcare.
Car seats.
Pediatrician appointments.
What we don't always prepare people for is how dramatically parenthood can change your sense of self.
Before becoming a parent, you probably had a pretty established idea of who you were.
You were a partner.
A friend.
A professional.
A daughter.
Maybe an athlete.
A traveler.
Someone who read books, went to concerts, worked out, made art, watched terrible reality TV, stayed out too late, or spent an entire Saturday doing absolutely nothing.
Then you had a baby.
Suddenly people ask about the baby before they ask about you.
Your schedule revolves around someone else's needs.
Your body may feel unfamiliar.
Your relationship changes.
Your friendships change.
Your career may change.
Your priorities change.
Even your brain can feel different.
And everyone expects you to be thrilled about it.
"I Wanted This. Why Am I Struggling?"
This can be particularly confusing if you worked hard to become a parent.
Maybe you experienced infertility.
Maybe pregnancy wasn't easy.
Maybe you planned for this baby for years.
You thought becoming a mom would be one of the happiest experiences of your life.
Then it happened.
And it was happy.
And beautiful.
And overwhelming.
And boring.
And exhausting.
And lonely.
And incredible.
Sometimes all before lunch.
The complexity can catch people off guard.
We tend to talk about motherhood as though gratitude should cancel out every other emotion.
It doesn't.
You don't stop being a whole human being when you become someone's mother.
Sometimes You Grieve Your Old Life
Grief might sound dramatic here, but stay with me.
Grief isn't only about death.
We can grieve previous versions of our lives.
You might miss:
Sleeping in.
Having control over your schedule.
Going somewhere without packing 37 things first.
Being able to focus on your work uninterrupted.
Having conversations with your partner that aren't about logistics.
Seeing friends whenever you wanted.
Being touched only when you wanted to be touched.
Having hobbies.
Having silence.
Being spontaneous.
Having money that didn't immediately disappear into daycare.
You can miss these things without wanting to give your children back.
That's the part we don't say enough.
The Mental Load Can Make It Hard to Find Yourself
Sometimes moms tell me they need "me time."
And yes, having time to yourself can be helpful.
But sometimes the problem is bigger than needing an hour to get your nails done.
Because even when you're physically alone, your brain may still be parenting.
Did I schedule the dentist appointment?
We're almost out of diapers.
The daycare needs that form.
What's for dinner?
Did anyone wash the soccer uniform?
We need a birthday gift for Saturday.
The baby hasn't been sleeping well.
I should probably schedule that pediatrician appointment.
Oh, and I haven't responded to that work email.
This is the mental load.
When your brain is constantly tracking everyone else's needs, it can become difficult to even identify your own.
Ask a burned-out parent:
"What do you want to do for yourself?"
Sometimes the answer is genuinely:
I have no idea.
High-Achieving Women Can Struggle With This Even More
If you were a high achiever before becoming a parent, motherhood can mess with your head in a very specific way.
You were used to competence.
You knew how to work hard and get results.
Then someone handed you a newborn who did not care about your organizational skills, graduate degree, professional accomplishments, or carefully researched schedule.
You can do everything "right" and your baby still won't sleep.
You can read every parenting book and your toddler will still have a meltdown because you peeled the banana they specifically asked you to peel.
Parenthood doesn't provide performance reviews.
There isn't a promotion for doing it well.
There is no finish line.
For someone who is used to measuring success, that can be incredibly uncomfortable.
So you try harder.
You research more.
You optimize.
You compare.
You wonder whether you're doing enough.
And eventually, parenting becomes another place where you feel like you're failing.
Social Media Isn't Helping
You already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway.
You are comparing your entire life to tiny curated pieces of someone else's.
The perfectly organized playroom.
The homemade lunches.
The matching outfits.
The family vacation.
The mom doing sensory activities at 9 a.m.
Meanwhile, you gave your kid crackers in the car and realized halfway to daycare that today was pajama day.
You're doing fine.
There isn't one correct way to be a good parent.
Your Relationship Can Change Too
Becoming parents can completely change the dynamic between partners.
Before kids, your relationship had more space.
After kids, someone always needs something.
Sex can change.
Communication can become logistical.
Resentment can build around household responsibilities.
One person may feel like they're carrying more.
Both people may feel underappreciated.
And suddenly you aren't asking:
"How was your day?"
You're asking:
"Did you pack the bottles?"
That's not necessarily a sign that your relationship is broken.
It may be a sign that your relationship needs attention in this new stage.
Finding Yourself Doesn't Mean Going Backward
When people say they want to "feel like themselves again," I understand what they mean.
But sometimes we're trying to return to a version of ourselves that doesn't exist anymore.
Not because that person is gone.
Because you've changed.
Parenthood changed you.
Maybe pregnancy changed you.
Maybe infertility changed you.
Maybe birth changed you.
Maybe your career changed.
Maybe your relationships changed.
So the goal doesn't necessarily have to be becoming your old self again.
Maybe it's figuring out:
Who am I now?
What parts of my old life still matter to me?
What doesn't anymore?
What do I want outside of being someone's mom?
What kind of parent do I actually want to be?
What expectations am I carrying that aren't even mine?
Those can be really powerful questions.
Therapy for Moms in Milwaukee, WI
At ERA Wellness, perinatal and parenting mental health is a huge part of what we do.
We understand that parenting isn't just about learning how to care for your child.
It's also about navigating what happens to you along the way.
Our therapists support clients through pregnancy, postpartum, parenting, fertility, trauma, anxiety, identity changes, relationship changes, neurodivergence, and the many complicated emotions that can come with building and raising a family.
We offer therapy for moms and parents in Whitefish Bay and the Milwaukee area, along with online therapy throughout Wisconsin.
You don't have to be in crisis to come to therapy.
You don't need a diagnosis.
And you definitely don't have to convince us that you love your kids before you're allowed to talk about how hard parenting can be.
You can love this life.
And miss parts of your old one.
You can be grateful.
And overwhelmed.
You can be a really good mom.
And still want to be something other than "Mom" sometimes.
There is room for all of it here.
