The Case for Self Compassion
While what we do in therapy can vary widely, some topics can benefit all clients. My favorite is self-compassion.
Many of us have internalized harsh self-talk that rules with fear and avoidance rather than kindness. That may feel like it has helped us through past situations in our lives, but eventually it chips away at our sense of capability and lead to uncertainty, self doubt, and anxiety.
Imagine if we responded to moments of struggle with care and support for ourselves instead? The good news is that self-compassion is a skill that can be practiced to eventually be a more natural response.
The modern self-compassion champion is Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher who describes it as turning warmth and kindness toward yourself. Think of it as being similar to how you may treat a friend going through a hard time. A lot of your own self talk is likely much more harsh than you would ever say out loud to someone you care about.
Self-compassion in action follows this general process:
I see that I am struggling and validate that it is happening - no judgment, just noticing and accepting it. In naming it, I create some mindful space between myself and the thing I’m experiencing.
I recognize that to struggle is deeply human, and that we all do at times. None of us are infalliable, mistakes and hardship are universal.
I offer myself some support and kindness as I face this difficulty. I reflect on what action, if any, I want to take.
What self-compassion is not: a lack of self-discipline.
If I punish myself, I focus attention on what I lack. Being accepting of ourselves, recognizing that we can’t get it right all of the time, and showing up with kindness means we are motivated to make positive changes. I focus on what I want to do next time and how I can support myself in more realistic ways.
What self-compassion is: more constant and supportive than self-esteem.
As Neff has researched, self-esteem means judging ourselves and needing to constantly cultivate a positive self-image - which usually involves comparing ourselves to others. It also often feels inauthentic or impossible to achieve, because for many of us it can lean into thinking we are better than someone else. Self-compassion sidesteps this process by connecting us to a common human thread and allowing us the mental space to make choices that align with our values.
Self compassion is simply accepting ourselves as we are - not forcing ourselves to love every single thing about ourselves or think we are awesome all the time.
There are many ways to practice self-compassion, and you can experiment with what feels most impactful for you. Check out these additional self compassion resources for more ideas to integrate into your daily life:
The Power of Self-Compassion - Harvard Health
Compassion for Self and Others - Tara Brach
Additional Practices on Dr. Neff’s website - guided audio as well as written prompts
